Happy Ever Afters

Do “happy ever afters” really exist? And why are the happy ever afters always associated with being married in our society?

Multiple things, emotions, conversations, prompted me to pen this down, most recent, being a conversation with my generally, pretty non-traditional, forward-thinking, dare I say non-conservative mother, who never fail to surprise us with how amazingly futuristic she is. But wait, before we delve into it, a little background first. I am an independent 32-year-old, eldest of three siblings (younger two are brothers), very much single, Paksitani and on top of that a Muslim woman who lives with her parents, not necessarily by choice, but, because that’s how we do it in our part of the world (it’s totally cool too). Like many other girls, of course, I want to get married to someone with whom I can spend the rest of my natural life, have kids, my own family, the entire works. But that doesn’t at all mean that what I have right at this very moment is not complete, not enough, not my current ‘happy ever after’. And this, my friends, is what family and society don’t teach us because they, themselves do not understand the concept, due to the social conditioning they have had. A disclaimer before we go any further, that this isn’t an emotional story of my feelings in any way, but a reflection of my happiness journey so far.

I am an engineer, a marketer, and an HR person, by profession and education, both. I remember when I was in college, the pressure of having to get married started by my mother. I have done my fair share of parading in front of seemingly decent families (still do on and off) looking for the perfect girl for their Prince Charming son/brother/ nephew/grandson. Then came grad school and it continued. I have always been a headstrong individual and the idea of getting married to someone whom I could only get to know, once all the women in his life have vetted me for the role of perfect, educated, pretty, docile ‘daughter-in-law’ who doesn’t have a tongue in her mouth and that too perfectly capable of speaking for itself, never sat well with me. As a result, the kid I was back then, gave her mother a fair share of tough time; regret it now because as I grew old, I realized that she always had my best interest at heart. But honestly, giving her a tough time, was never about parading in front of virtual strangers like you are up for selling, although it stinks. I know in my heart that my mother also could never have been completely fine with this; but that she didn’t have any other choice given the circumstances. It was this feeling of being not enough, after getting multiple comments from supposed well-wisher aunties about your height, weight, skin colour, supposed higher education (apparently, it’s not good for a marriage if you have one more degree than the person with whom you plan to spend your life with, can it get any more twisted than this?), the intent to continue working post marriage, long hair (not kidding, a marriage bureau aunty actually told my mother to have my really long hair cut so that I may look a few years younger than my actual age, a moment of silence please), and whatnot. What deeply saddened me was knowing that for that brief moment in time, my mother agreed with them due to her own demons, past, fear for my future like every parent, whatever. It took me a long time to explain to her that Allah has His own plan and timetable for my life and that it cannot always coincide with the timelines she or I had in mind. A few years again passed, I was doing pretty well at work, promotions, fast track career and all, when I realized that although my family is proud of me, over time, my mother had actually stopped being happy or excited for any of my achievements and it hurt, really hurt. The person that I am, I compartmentalised to an extent that I closed all doors for discussion about my work with her after she explicitly asked me to. And let me tell you, my mother had been my best friend and vice versa since childhood. So, it really sucked closing off to her but you do what you have to do to survive. Now that I think back, my youngest brother, somehow mend that bridge, I don’t know how but I will always remain in his debt for it (U: now you know that I know). Eventually, we worked on our relationship and pulled it together, thank God! Anyhow, then came the time of my younger brother, Z’s marriage. Again, a taboo in our society, elder sister is still unmarried and all that BS. I have always been very clear that everyone’s life has its own timeline and they don’t have to sit well with anyone else. So, I talked to my parents and told them very clearly, that Z’s happiness and wishes are above everything else. This 

combined with my cool mother, resulted in everything going down smoothly; as a result, I have the best ever nephew today.

It has been almost 15 years now since my ‘rishta’ hunt (aka search for suitable marriage proposals) started in our otherwise, strictly patriarchal society. I grew up in that time, sinned, repented, lived life to the fullest. I changed as a person so fundamentally, that even I don’t recognize that 17/18-year-old kid anymore, though I am still quite headstrong. I have come a long way since then, did my MBA, excelled at worked, quit the job I loved (a story for another day), travelled the world alone or at least parts of it, made peace with my mother, accepted that, though I will always be a disappointment to her in that one aspect, it’s fine. Oh, and to answer the question, I am always asked; no, I never had a relationship because I never met someone like that, just my luck as life would have been so much easier had that happened. 

So, if I am all good, then why write an entire blog post about it? It’s because this is the only medium, I have to reiterate a fact, that most of us intrinsically believe in, that is “everything happens when Allah / God / Jesus / Bhagwan wills it”. In my 32 years, if one thing I have learnt is that, saying you have faith is one thing; and wholeheartedly believing in it is another story altogether. Does it mean that I live with no regrets? The simple answer is no, because the way I see it, only someone who thinks that he has it all, wouldn’t have regrets; and that in my view is not possible as long as you are alive. A more valid question, therefore is, if I think how life could have played out had I made different choices? Yes, obviously, we are human beings, that is what we are designed to do. So, there are nights when I dwell upon how different life could have been if I had done things differently. But the litmus for me is when I ask myself a simple question. Would I do anything differently if given the opportunity? No matter how much I regret or don’t like certain decisions I took or things I did, I wouldn’t change it for anything, if I am ever given a chance. Because you see, life is one intense game of dominoes and if you change one move, everything, in turn, is impacted. The person I was had brought me to the person I am today. Every second has played its part in making me who I am, and between us, though I have a lot to improve upon, I am content with the person I have become. I have faith in the fact that Allah has my fate written for me and that certain timeliness in life are already decided. I can pray, and pray hard but my plans can never be better than His. And to me, this is faith. I know that I have to strive and do my part, but faith also demands that you believe in the unseen. This is what I don’t see happening. For how can I give into despair over small things, when I have faith? I know that I was fated to live the 32 years of my life the way they were planned by the Almighty. So, how is this not my ‘current happy ever after’? How can whatever I have been through, achieved, become, mean any less because I am ‘incomplete’ by standards set by scared people? People, who believe, but are scared to give in to faith? Similarly, I have faith that He has more amazing things waiting for me in my future too. And when I get to it, it will be another ‘happy ever after’ for me.

Here is to all our ‘Happy Ever Afters’!

Tooba Tanveer