The Need to Matter

I learnt the hard way how manipulators work, how they use people to present their best image, how they twist around what comes out of your mouth in a way that suits them best. I learnt this by observing how people use others to suit their purposes.

People, in general, are usually hungry to hear that they are awesome and gets swayed easily by it. The need, to be appreciated, acknowledged, to know that your existence matter, in short, you matter is human nature and not many people are so sure and confident in who they are that they become immune to it. So, in essence, this becomes the Achilles heel for many, a tiny weakness despite the overall strength of character and strong personalities which let people down. But how does it all begin? When do we teach our kids to be so unsure of themselves that this ‘praise’ and ‘acknowledgement of being’ becomes so important? When does it start to matter so much? For me it’s simple and clear; it all starts when you associate or link love, pride and appreciation with one achievement or another for a child. We forget that it is supposed to be unconditional. Being kind, humble, confident in who you are as a person has to be unconditional. We have to instead instil in our children that life is not a competition. Everyone has a timeline of their own and my timeline will most certainly not match with anyone. It is not supposed to!

Also, this cycle needs to break somewhere as well even if you, yourself hadn’t been (for lack of a better word) a victim yourself. This requires conscious effort because doing the same is pretty easy to master. The question I asked myself a few years down the line my career was if I would ever want to do it. The answer to me was clear, not even if my life depended on it! And this isn’t because I am some amazing human being, my reasoning was selfish. I had seen what this toxic cycle does to people first hand and I would never want to be the person who did this to another human being. I think at times it costs me loyalty of people because I become that person who doesn’t go out of her way to make you feel like special only for doing what you are supposed to. And tells you to your face if you messed up or are about to mess up or if you had done a job not well or how something could have been done better or different.

Well, but that’s ok because at the end of the day the person I have to look in the eyes lives in the mirror.

Tooba Tanveer